on the 12th day of Christmas... wait... there are 12 days?!

December 21st- 4 more days till Christmas!!! Tomorrow we light the final candle on our Advent wreaths before the white candle in the center (which a lot of people don't do, but I love) on Christmas day.

Last year I realized I was doing Christmas in a way that was actually robbing me of a rich experience. Not that I was completely missing the reason for the season, I would never say I've actually done that thanks to how my parents brought my siblings and I up.  However I will say that until this year, I missed a depth and richness that comes with Advent- because I wasn't really observing Advent outside of a little calendar filled with chocolate and... yep... that's about it.

My husband and I are Christmas freaks. If you were to look in our storage space under the stairs you would see that other than baby clothes waiting to be used again, almost the entire thing is boxed in red and green rubbermaid bins. We start celebrating in November, when TSO has their first concert of the season here locally. We start with a winter village, eventually the tree comes out- and although we wait for anything truly Christmas-y until the day after Thanksgiving, we really have very little decorating to do in December if any. We love it, we love the baking, the movies, the scented candles, the fires in the fireplace, the lights, the music, the ministry, the events, the parties, the gift giving and receiving- really the only thing that brings us stress year after year is stringing the lights on the tree (why is it that every couple I know runs into this? God bless the person who invented the pre-lit Christmas tree).

So what's different this year from last? Well, I can tell you that if anything we are more busy than we were last year. However our perspectives have changed. We are realizing that our vocation is marriage and our family, and we are stronger than ever viewing it as the sacrament that it is(although we still have our weak and ugly moments, we're human after all). We try and view things from a Kingdom perspective, making choices that will make an impact in our lives and the lives around us over things that will simply keep us busy. We still did our decorating the way we like too, we still carry on with our baking, music, movies, ministry and events, but this year would be different if only that I was going to seek my Savior in a new way, anticipating that He would make an appearance in my life in a deeper way.

Gabriel eats, mom prays

This year I decided to just dive in. I wouldn't do everything "right", but neither would I miss everything. I rearranged my thinking after learning the historical calendar of Christmas over the retail world/ABC's 25 days of Christmas version. Advent is the beginning, a season of preparing our hearts and drawing closer to God as we anticipate reliving the coming of His Son and our Savior, Jesus Christ, in the most miraculous and humble of ways. I found a great daily devotional online through Creighton University that really challenged my heart to draw toward God in deeper ways, and was in today's language. I wouldn't let the business of the season rob me and mine of that this year. We purchased an Advent Wreath last year and have been lighting the candles every Sunday (except one where we were out most of the evening, so we waited until we had an hour or two to do it right later that

St Nicholas visited!

week). I wrote down things we really didn't want to miss (the live nativity at our Church, St. Nicholas Day, daily chocolate advent calendar, riding around to see the lights neighbors have put up as a family, making time to pray every morning before Gabriel wakes up or while he is eating breakfast if he wakes early, making Gabriel's yearly ornament, a few baked goods that it wouldn't be right not to have on Christmas day, giving to local charities, getting Asian food at some point the week before Christmas, mail out family gifts, wrap presents, etc.), and have given myself permission to think of everything else as extra. My pintrest account is full of fun ideas- but that doesn't mean we need to do all of them, I have years to pull from these ideas. If we find ourselves with the time and desire to do something that didn't make the "must" list, that's fine, but I'm not going to stress out and attempt to be super mom and ruin the things we are doing in the process. Which brings me to my next lesson learned.

I discovered last year that the 12 days of Christmas actually begin on Christmas day. Wait, what?! Now,

most people may already have known this, but somehow it had escaped my knowledge for 27 years. Gone

are the post-Christmas-day blues, we have 12 days to celebrate Christmas, enjoy the tree, the Christmas magic, bake things that didn't get made prior to Christmas, listen to music, watch movies, remember and teach about Christ's birth with activities and fun stories- gone is the pressure to do everything in one day and tear everything down immediately feeling like failures if we didn't remember everything we wanted to do or ran out of time!! If we decide we would end up stressed trying to do it all in one 24 hour period (minus 8 hours for sleep, 3 hours for toddler naps=13 hours), we can wait until the next day/evening- or even week. If someone has a melt down or something goes just completely wrong, that's okay, there are 11 more days that can go right! Now that doesn't mean we are going to torture our kids, gifts will still be given and opened on Christmas morning. But wow, what an eye-opening relief!

So how is this year different? I am more rested and at peace, I am not pressured or stressed, my heart is in an amazing place with my Savior, all the extras aren't weighing on me, I have time to nest and prepare for my own little baby's upcoming birth and thus identify even more with Mary and appreciate her in new ways as she didn't have anything to nest with except some swaddling blankets and hopes that Joseph would find a private place in a town or along the roadside when she delivered. Advent, Christmas (all 12 days), and all the activity within are now a beautiful blessing instead of a never ending to-do list, and that has made this little experiment worth every bit of effort that it has taken not to give into the temptation of trying to be super mom instead of working with the talents, skills, and limits that God has blessed me with in myself and each member of my little family.

"You will seek me and find me; when you seek me with all your heart" Jeremiah 29:13

An Autumn Update

3rd trimester has arrived! I am 29 weeks along today- which sounded awesome until I did the math and realized that's only 1 week short of three months left. So not encouraging- but that's okay because I have a lot to do before Tristan arrives and between a new part time job, being a full time wife and mom, and holidays it's going to go by fast with any luck.

First of all, I have to tell you about my new favorite thing- Essential Oils. I was a total skeptic, but one of my friends swears that she is fending off her 3rd trimester insomnia with it and I was tired of being tired all day. When another friend offered me some samples, I decided there was nothing to loose. A week later they arrived. I put one drop of lavender on my fingers and massaged it onto the bottoms of my feet before- I have not slept that soundly or woken up that rested in I can't even tell you how long! Same thing happened the next night- except added bonus, I had a headache and rubbed a little into my hairline as well (almost instant relief). So then I skipped two nights of using it- was awake again both nights. Night four my little guy had been up twice due to teething (I was up anyway, so it didn't effect my lack of sleep), so on night five I used Serenity on myself and lavender on his feet- HE ACTUALLY SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT WHILE TEETHING! The next day his teething hit him hard, so I put a little oil along his jawline and the fussing and crying went away within 15 minutes (although the need to be held constantly remained). I keep experimenting to make sure what we are experiencing isn't coincidence, and I am becoming a believer.

nature walk!

I am experiencing some brutal heartburn (Tristan showed no signs of hair at the ultrasound Nov 3rd- old wives tale: debunked again) which often aids the insomnia I had been going through. After experiencing true sleep deprivation after Gabriel's birth, I decided to switch my attitude to seeing insomnia as a positive thing, at least I could get some projects done during that time! I am just careful to double check the clock a lot (because last time I was pregnant I forgot what time of night it was, thought it was day somehow and woke Shaun up with my noise. He came into the room I was in and scared me to death- I asked him why he was home from work so early thinking it was early afternoon, and he couldn't help but see the humor even past the inconvenience of being woken up- pregnancy messes with your brain, people!) Exercising has become a lot harder, I'm experiencing some round ligament pain for the first time ever, and hip and pelvic pain I didn't experience until my last month pregnant with Gabriel are already settling in. I contacted some friends who experienced the same issues and stayed active through their pregnancies for encouragement. Thank goodness for good friends who are so encouraging. Nesting is hitting hard as well. Although my house looks awful as I pull everything out one at a time from storage to go through, clean, organize and purge- I have one project going in every room just in case I end up stopping there for a break or to let Gabriel play. I even deep cleaned and set up the tree- um, like three weeks ago! (In my defense, all the other decorations are still in waiting.)

Tristan is such a good baby. He can be active enough to wake me up while I'm sleeping when he gets going, but he also seems to really crash when he rests. When he is active he is all over the place and moves much faster than Gabriel did, but he is easy (he is already head down and locked and loaded- as far down as he can get without making my body think it's time to evict him). So far no complications, he is perfectly healthy, measuring right on target for his age, has long legs, heartbeat is strong, and does great during ultrasounds. We got to see him move all over during his ultrasound at the beginning of the month; yawn, kick, move his arms, flip around. Confirmed he is most definitely a boy, and an active one at that. This pregnancy has hit all the milestones I had with Gabriel much earlier. Heartburn, insomnia, soreness, pelvic pain, itching, big belly, hips spreading, braxton hicks, and several other unmentionable things- my body recognizes what's happening this time around and hit hyper drive or something. My Dr. changed some things around with my progesterone pills, so at least I'm not tired for that reason anymore! We are still working on finalizing a middle name. We have a favorite (sticking with the Archangel theme: Raphael, which means "God has healed") we will likely stick with, but might add a second middle name. Shaun gave me the first name I was in love with and he liked, so I told him the middle name was his to decide as long as it sounded good and didn't have some horrible meaning.

Gabriel is all over the place, mastering new things with little or no fear, and always ready to have fun. The only time he is clingy is when there are big changes, he is sick or teething. I no longer worry about him climbing or descending stairs, but what other things he might deem climbable are the new concern. I use gates more than ever if I need him to stay in one room so I don't have to run after him to see what new exploration he has decided to embark upon. He has an easy laugh, is picking up on sign language and words super fast all of a sudden, and loves to "run"

Helping mommy set up the tree

which is really him bouncing from one foot to the other as fast as
possible. He is fast, but I'm pretty sure at full speed he is gaining just as much vertical air as he is covering ground in every step. Dance parties are one of his favorite things (especially after Dad comes home), loves reading and playing, but the only consistent thing he wants to do repeatedly everyday is play hockey and do anything outside. One of his new words is "shoes" and he will go to the closet and get all of his out for me to put on him so we can go outside. He is starting to act more and more like a 2 year old, learning the world doesn't give him exactly what he wants when he wants it a lot of the time is a tough lesson to learn. Potty training is taking steps in the right direction. He can hold it all through awake time and usually only goes in his diaper while sleeping, so that is a challenge as I'm not willing to break good sleeping habits to potty train. He has begun loving his little potty chair though, and even initiates sitting on it. We are down to one nap, which frees up my mornings for doing errands, and causing me to rearrange my house cleaning schedule.

Shaun & I at the opening for TSO

Shaun is amazingly busy- I have no idea how he keeps up everything he has going. It's exhausting to watch. Full time job, full time school, involved in several church programs, setting himself up in the world of Church theology and apologetics, being a husband and father, helping around the house as I move slower and slower, taking care of Gabriel so I can get out of the house for Bible study every other week, ladies night once a month, and work one (sometimes two) full evenings a week. Then he has a ton of hobbies along with all that. Painting, hockey, reading, sports, video games, his blog,  keeping up with our favorite tv series with me, and he wants to start working out again.

Sitka is hanging around outside most of the time, and begging to go back outside half the time we have him indoors- which means I haven't had to vacuum nearly as often. Mollie is loving my new status of pregnancy that has me piling work I can do while sitting in the living room for when I need a break from the pelvic pain standing causes. She naps more than ever curled up against my belly whenever possible. Gabriel has really taken an interest in Mollie lately, which has been an adventure for her. He is good with her most of the time, although I caught him going over facial features the other day, pointing at his nose and then hers, pointing at his ears and then hers, pointing at his eyes and then poking her right in the eyeball- hard! She yipped and ran over to me while he laughed until he cried at her funny noise. Little meany. We are working on being "soft" with Mollie.

My new nametag!

I received a scholarship to attend education courses to become a Fertility Care Practitioner Intern teaching the Creighton Model System of Fertility Care, so last month I attended an 8 day course of 12 hour days for the first part of my education. I passed, amazed at how intense the course was- that's a lot to learn, especially for someone who has no medical background. I just found out tonight that I have passed all my pre-client exams and am ready to take on my first clients! I have to take on six clients before the next education phase in April, so when you add maternity leave in, it's going to be a busy and wonderful couple months before Tristan arrives! I don't think I could ask for a better more family friendly job opportunity. It's only about 10 hours a week and it will be mostly during the time Shaun is home so Gabriel and dad will get some good bonding time while I get to focus on a job that is more like a ministry than a regular job. If I have to go in during the day here or there they love seeing Gabriel and are even willing to let me bring Tristan in with me to appointments (as I will be breastfeeding him) either until he gets too disruptive or until Shaun can handle him without me as I will be pumping again to build up a good stash should I need it for whatever reason (if I get sick, need to take a medicine, so I can sleep for a few hours straight while someone bottle feeds him, etc). Soon I will blog about my journey of using various birth control methods and my decision never ever use them again which has lead me to becoming an instructor myself- but that's another blog for another day.

Encouragement! My breastfeeding experience with my firstborn

Breastfeeding- the word in our culture brings forth strong emotions. As well it should, nourishing an infant is a BIG deal as it sets them up in life, with any luck, for good health (emotional, physical, mental, etc).

When I was a teenager I read a fictitious novel wherein a woman gives birth and nurses her baby for the first time- and it was glorious, relaxing, amazing- and obviously written by a man. As a single young woman I thought of all the benefits for the baby as well as the mom, getting to eat more, burn calories while sitting doing nothing, and HUGE health benefits (breast cancer less likely, etc) as well as bonding that would of course happen with anything that gets it's life source from you. I got all my friends boppy pillows and beautiful nursing covers for baby showers and was truly excited for my friends when they found non-hideous nursing bra.

After getting pregnant I attended a courses and I talked with friends who weren't afraid of the "weird questions" and was lucky enough to receive encouragement from all of them- those who successfully breastfed and those who weren't able to for whatever reason. This was a huge help as I decided, much like my birth plan, that it was something I couldn't set my heart on but rather do my absolute best and let what needed to happen happen for Gabriel's safety.

After he was born, Gabriel didn't want to breastfeed as much as he wanted to explore the world around him content and alert. When he did latch on, he nursed for 15 minutes and then fell asleep- and apparently that's all he needed for a while. No matter what we did, he wouldn't stay awake when he did latch on. When my milk came in I was one of the "lucky" ones who overproduced and waiting to pump for two weeks was not an option (better than under producing but comes with it's own challenges). It ended up working out beautifully for Gabriel. He would eat a little at the breast and then daddy would take over with a bottle when he couldn't resist falling asleep overwhelmed by the familiar warmth, sounds and smell of mommy.

I was always grateful, but couldn't say I enjoyed breastfeeding. It was weird feeling, became painful with poor latches, and draining not just in the literal sense- there was no just sitting there, it felt like a marathon when coupled with lack of sleep. I started setting small goals for myself just to reach that safety zone of six months. But then something wonderful happened, three months in Gabriel figured out the correct latch- it didn't hurt and I realized I was actually enjoying nursing him! That he looked into my eyes and smiled his beautiful gummy smile at me while continuing to eat and my heart burst with joy and thanksgiving.

As we approached Gabriel's first birthday, we talked again and our mindset had changed from doing what we had to to wanting to continue. Gabriel had his first cold when he was a year old and had decided to drop several feedings for more solid food. That just confirmed in our minds that we should keep going for his immune system. After getting a positive result on a pregnancy test when Gabriel was 15 months old and still breastfeeding several times a day, we researched and decided to stick with it as long as it didn't effect the pregnancy in a negative way. Gabriel again self-weaned to only before naps and bedtime feedings by July, and then to only before bed in August. I knew it was going to be soon that he decided he was done, and honestly my body was just ready to be done as well. Hard to describe, it just was done. Emotionally I wanted to continue, but physically after going through three months of morning sickness and chasing a toddler, my body wanted a break.

Early Sept. is when it happened. Oddly enough, Gabriel and I both had colds and he didn't ask as his custom was. I put him to bed thinking he would be up for a nighttime feeding (being sick and all). I woke up in the morning and he had slept through the night. When I walked into his room I wondered if he would be freaked out or fine- I walked in and he smiled at me so big- he was just fine. He hasn't asked again since, but has been perfectly healthy and confident. It's been easier for me than I thought it would be as well. Bedtime doesn't take 45 minutes anymore, it's about 15 and I get that extra half hour to hang out with my hubby. This time is especially meaningful to me as we will be welcoming our second son, Tristan, into the world in just a few short months and will have to figure out a new bedtime routine that will take both of our efforts and joyfully consume our time.

Breastfeeding is one of the most challenging, rewarding and overall satisfying things I have ever done or worked at. The breastmilk chunky baby is by far one of the cutest things that graces this planet, and the bonding and confidence that I watched it impart of my little guy is invaluable. Once we hit that three month mark, it became something that helped me stay sane in the middle of my crazy 16 wedding schedule that season, grounded me when I felt like I was being torn in too many directions, something I looked forward to because I could only focus on him while nursing. It's how he stayed so healthy for so long, helped me shed the baby weight much faster than I thought (although when Gabriel started weaning, my weight did fluctuate a little as he would or wouldn't randomly use the calories himself at different points), helped Gabriel and I bond as mother and son, gave him a solid confidence and way to ground himself if things got overwhelming, it's how I learned to put him first, learned a lot of character lessons, realized I was pregnant again, and how I have started learning the letting go process that comes with being a mother.

It saddens me to think of the stress, judgement and pressure that comes with breastfeeding in our culture. In other cultures it's worse, in some it's an honor- in this one it doesn't matter what you choose, someone is willing to get in your face about it. That's what comes with being a multi-cultural country. It's not easy for most, not even possible for some, it's undesired by others, and the only way for a good amount of women. I am one of the lucky few who had solid support from my husband, family and friends while breastfeeding- although I did receive several strange looks if I mentioned I was going to feed my little guy after he turned a year, no one actually said anything. Several told me after being around Gabriel and getting used to the fact that I did feed him still it made them realize that it was okay, there wasn't an unhealthy overly emotionally attached mommy thing going on, and I hope that it won them over enough to prevent them from giving the look to another mother in the future.

Wouldn't life be easier if we women would stop the judgement, realize that there is an ideal but it doesn't always work out (whether by free will choice or inability), and instead work on encouraging and being a blessing in each other's lives? Let's tell the culture by our lives that it doesn't matter what the media says, we choose to live in joy and encouragement instead of defensive judgement and change the world around us by "paying it forward" to just the handful of women and men (yes, it's important to encourage them as well- husbands are the first, strongest and most important support and protection for the breastfeeding mother and child) around us.

Baby #2 - Gender Reveal!

 Today we found out if we will be parents of two boys or a boy and a girl! I couldn't be more excited!

 

Hopefully knowing the gender will make finding a name Shaun and I both like a little easier.

Shaun picked me up and drove us to the ultrasound (I expected to meet him there, so that was a nice surprise), and Gabriel got to nap at home with his godmother in the next room listening for him in case he woke up (thanks Beth!).

We started the ultrasound and the baby came instantly into view! The baby is about 7in long and 7oz according to everything on the monitor, heartbeat is a whopping 167bpm! So active and sweet, we got to watch the baby move all throughout the whole thing. Several measurements were taken, this time around the baby was very cooperative, so we flew through the measurements and got right down to business. 

 

Here's Gabriel's big announcement!!

 

This ultrasound was amazing- I have never seen a baby so active! He was rolling, kicking, stretching, putting his thumb in his mouth, moving all over the place- I cannot get over how blessed we are not only to live in a time where this kind of technology is available, but that we get to use it several times during a pregnancy! He is measuring all right on schedule and seems perfectly healthy.

 

So blessed to get to love on two little boys and their daddy!

Second Pregnancy, Second Trimester!

We are officially in the second trimester!! Woo-hoo, our little family survived!

Week 13 brought on the first week where I had a day that I didn't feel like I had the flu and I was able to clear some of my schedule so I could nap when Gabriel did. Week 14 has so far been amazing, I was able to stop taking meds with only a little of the flu feeling. Headaches are intense, but I will take those over morning sickness any day!

Week 14 brought some of those awesome hormones (finally!), good hair days are better to come by and my fingernails look amazing. I had to pull out some maternity clothes, which most is still too big, but I am now so much more comfortable it's amazing. Gabriel has been cutting three molars and a two front teeth for the past two weeks, so we have been very tired in this house, but I am so glad it happened now instead of when I was really sick. He is usually so sweet and easy going, it's hard to see him whiny and needy. I have had to let some of the house go during the bad days for him, but housework can always be caught up at a later date and no one will ever know the difference.

Week 13 baby bump- much bigger at 13 weeks than last time!

I can finally work out again and found an awesome prenatal Pilates video that I already feel a huge difference in strength, lower back pain going away, and flexibility. Highly suggest it (plus it's free!) You can find it at: http://pinterest.com/pin/144607838008291461/. I use a yoga mat, a pillow or two and two cans of soup (instead of light weights). Still taking time to rest, especially as Gabriel hasn't slept through the night since teething started, but it's amazing how much better I feel mentally, emotionally and physically. I am really hoping that this will help me as I transition to sleeping on my sides and the hip pain that comes with that.

I have also started doing research on continuing nursing Gabriel after the baby arrives just in case he hasn't self weaned yet. He only nurses once a day (except when teething), so he may be done by then, but I want to know what I'm in for just in case he hasn't. Within that quest I have realized it's again time to start amping up nutrition in a big way. Not that I completely let it go during the first trimester, but while not feeling well, you eat what you can when you can and what you have the energy to grab (meaning generally pre-made and not the healthiest). With that I have been looking up easy once a month cooking ideas for the crockpot that I can freeze. Pintrest is a God-send in this area. Budget friendly clean eating made simple. I'd rather spend five hours in one day prepping, cooking, and freezing and then have five minutes of dumping into a crock pot daily than a full hour or more every day.

The office has been completely moved downstairs to make room for the new nursery. I dug out the bassinet and am dying to paint- but that has to wait until Sept when we have our next ultrasound scheduled. Gabriel has been my little "helper" helping me unload bookshelves, load boxes, sweep, dust and mop. He is going to be a big help when nesting hits full swing!

second pregnancy, first trimester (late post as we just announced it)

June 18th, we see baby #2 for the first time on ultrasound! It's little heart was beating at a steady 117bpm. We weren't able to hear it, but there it was on the monitor. The baby measured at six weeks and three days, which is exactly where it should be according to our charting. The baby was little more on the screen than a beating heart and a yoke sack, but only parents can tell you how sweet that little blip on the screen really is as you see your baby for the first time.


This has been a much different pregnancy than the first. I had no idea I was pregnant when I took the test with Gabriel, so we were in shock for a few days not really believing it had finally happened after trying for 9 months. I felt fine for weeks, just a few more trips to the bathroom than usual, but totally fine. I was really tired after a couple weeks passed however nausea didn't set in until 6 weeks and had faded almost completely somewhere around 15 weeks. Food aversions were difficult and all I could eat were some basic fruits, ramen noodles (ugh, the nutrition...), and life cereal.
 
This time around there wasn't any surprise. I knew there was a chance we were pregnant based on charting, but I didn't think it has really happened based on women's bodies being so out of whack when cycles start up again while still nursing. Then I got REALLY moody- and that is not generally how I am. After days of not being unable to change my crazy mood, I decided to change my environment. I "kidnapped" Shaun for lunch downtown, and then took Gabriel to the zoo. While nursing later, I prayed that God would help me to reclaim my mood or help me realize what was going on so I could change things accordingly and become a better person to be around. That's when I realized I was sore, that hadn't happened in about a year while nursing. There was much more than a chance that I was pregnant.

After putting Gabriel down for a nap and Shaun got home, I took off to the store and purchased two
tests to confirm things. I knew that it was too early to test, but test showed up positive early with Gabriel, and I had to know. The test read "PREGNANT" and I went to work fast so that it wouldn't totally settle in before I had told Shaun so we could freak out together. I was so excited! I made Gabriel a "big brother" onesie as no one in town had a t-shirt small enough for him, took a picture of the positive test and put it inside a card for Shaun. Gabriel had just started walking that week so I had to tell Shaun I was giving him a big present that just came in and to just go with the video camera. I put on a "rocking the bump" shirt and held Gabriel close so Shaun couldn't see our shirts until after he opened the card. It took him a minute to realize what was going on as he thought it was a late graduation present, but when he did he was shocked! I was so excited that I was able to surprise him again!

First trimester differences between this pregnancy and the last one:
-I am sick all the time, and eventually gave in and started taking meds to help. Still feel like I have the flu, but can mostly function and play with Gabriel.
-Gabriel is here and toddling, so he has to be watched every second. He is great though, when I'm out of it he brings me books to read together and when I run to the bathroom sick, he follows laughing thinking I want him to chase me (which is great because I don't have to worry about him getting into something when I'm not there).
-Bland food is all I could handle last time. This time bland food is EVIL! Smells bad, tastes awful, and spicy food is what is required. I am sick all the time, but I have fewer items that I cannot stand.
-Headaches, moody, and showing earlier. Although thankfully most of my crazy faded out half way through the first trimester.
-Last time I didn't get more than a tiny stretch mark until after giving birth. This time every stretch mark I got after being pregnant last time looks fresh again- totally weird!
-Last time I worked at a gym and worked out almost every day. This time I was happy to survive and all motion made things worse.
-Last time it took 9 months to get pregnant, and it was a shock. This time charting and being in tune with my body, we were pregnant the first month and not in shock as we knew it was a possibility.

Gabriel's Birth Story

 

One of the hardest and most blessed days of my life was the day my son was born. I know, I know… veterans have war stories, mothers have birth stories. When life boils down to basics and you see it beginning (or ending for that matter), you can’t help but be forever changed by the experience- especially when it’s a new life that opens a new chapter in your own life’s beautiful story. I don't want to forget a moment, so this will be a little on the unedited side of things.

This story starts the week of Valentine's Day 2012 - I was 38 weeks pregnant with Gabriel.

I had an unplanned ultrasound during my appointment with my Dr. as my uterus had stopped growing. Gabriel’s belly measured smaller than what the Dr. was comfortable with. Another ultrasound was scheduled for three days later and the Dr. said she wanted the baby born soon, but not to start worrying yet. She stripped my membranes to help encourage things along. I was two centimeters dilated, and she said if I wanted to encourage my body along, now was the time to do it. I took some primrose oil on Valentine’s Day, and did some errands. When it came time to make dinner, my appetite completely disappeared and I had to have mac ‘n cheese, so our steak dinner plans were changed up a little. I realized that my “Braxton hicks” contractions were pretty steady and started timing them. By bedtime, they were every 20 minutes or so apart. So Shaun and I put together some things for the hospital, and went to bed. After an hour and a half insomnia hit- so I spent several hours rocking in the baby’s room enjoying his rolling around and kicks, dreaming of holding my baby in my arms and what life would look like a week from that moment. I was ready to burst wishing I knew what he looked like. I went back to bed and the contractions were 8-10 minutes apart.

 

 I woke up with Shaun to let him know I was having contractions 8-9 minutes apart, so he delayed going to work. After an hour of no change, I encouraged him to go in to work to tie up some loose ends so he wouldn’t be worried about work when the baby decided it was time to go. The contractions felt like mild menstrual cramps, and I couldn’t even tell I was having some of them unless I had my hands on my belly to feel it tighten. Shaun returned home before noon- he has wonderful bosses who sent him back to work from home in case I needed him.

2pm, finally my contractions hit five minutes apart and lasted for an hour and at 3 we were on our way to the hospital. I was so worried it was a false alarm because there was hardly any pain. We told only a few people we were on our way, just in case. We got checked in and my contractions were confirmed- and then we sat there bored out of our minds for a while. We took walks (I snuck graham crackers when the nurses weren’t looking as my Dr. said I could eat), I wondered why on earth there were rails along the walls of a flat hallway, and the contractions stayed the same. Sometime after 5 is when Dr. Pakiz told us that she was concerned about the fact that my uterus still hadn’t grown and that if we decided not to have the baby tonight that she would induce me that Friday for the baby’s safety. The ultrasound showed signs of an aged placenta, which meant the baby wasn’t getting the nutrients he needed from it if he wasn’t growing. So we chose to go for it and committed to Gabriel’s birthday being February 15^th! Dr. Pakiz broke my water with a little crochet hook looking thing (completely painless, by the way), and I felt the warm water that Gabriel had been swimming in give way. I felt so bad for the baby; being born was going to be a lot like having to step into the cold bathroom from behind the shower curtain after a long shower.

Shaun asked if I wanted to go for a walk to speed things up, and I thought that would be wise after a bathroom break (at the point of pregnancy where I was in the bathroom every half hour). I sat up and searing pain seized- no, ripped through me. But I really had to use the bathroom, so I tried to make it. Shaun held me up and a nurse was close behind as I had three contractions just on the way to the bathroom. The plan changed to walking to try to ease some of the pain, and we made our way out to the hallway. Whoever said walking helps couldn’t have been more wrong. I like to think that I have a fairly high pain tolerance, but within 10 steps I was on my knees clutching to the rails along the walls I had wondered about before. It’s because you can’t hold yourself up if a strong contraction hits- that’s why they are there. I stupidly decided to try and walk again, and another one hit- my room seemed so far away!!! Some freak (I wasn’t feeling very gentle at the moment) had their kids in the hallways, so I begged Shaun to drag me into the waiting room (where the kids should have been) so I wouldn’t freak them out. After it was over I waddled as fast as I could to get to our room- but I didn’t make it. Five feet away from being in my room and I was on my knees again vowing that if I could remember how to breath that I wouldn’t leave the room again until after Gabriel was born.

There was very little relief when we got back into room #3 of Bergin Mercy. Contractions weren't letting up at all, and my hopes of having a natural birth seemed like insanity as it got harder and harder to remember how to breathe. The nurses confirmed what I already knew but couldn't voice- I wasn't getting any rest between my contractions, restarting every time I started to feel any relief. My eyes were closed, and I felt awful for Shaun whose hands I assumed were about ready to fall off from rubbing my back and hips to draw the pain from being so concentrated in my middle. Shaun was awesome, he really tried to help me relax, and I did my absolute best- but I couldn't let my grip of his hand or the rails go and there truly was no relaxing my rigid body. I'm pretty sure that Bradley Method guy wouldn't have lived had he been in my birth room. Finally I convinced Shaun that I wasn't thinking about changing my mind of going natural, it had been changed (another thing he picked up from that Bradley guy was to ask at least twice if I was sure before asking the nurse to call the guy to come get it done. I was now thinking I was an idiot for having Shaun read that "dumb" book- glad I couldn't speak. Truthfully I'm glad we both read it now that I'm not being asked if I really want an epidural or not.).

My nurse was amazing- she and I had practically identical pregnancies and she was just starting back after being on maternity leave, so she had things fresh in her mind. She coached Shaun in how to be there for me and helped me communicate when I couldn’t speak to tell him to keep helping me remember to breathe, but for goodness sakes to stop breathing on me. I felt so bad that I couldn’t communicate, but Shaun was amazing and helped me through it. The epidural was worth the frustration of getting it applied (it’s really hard to curl your back when you are 9 months pregnant and going through constant contractions), but it took its sweet time in starting to work. After it was applied they checked me again- in one hour I went from 3 centimeters to 9 1/2! Dr. Pakiz was paged and I prayed for relief before the baby was born so I could enjoy pushing. I was confident I wouldn’t have any energy to push with if I didn’t get some relief. I kept being given ice chips, which I somehow loved and loathed at the same time. One of the side effects of the epidural was that it could slow the contractions, which I desperately hoped for so I could breathe and regain some strength.

Gabriel was pretty stressed out with the constant contractions and his heartbeat dropped from 144bpm to 70. An alarm sounded and every available nurse rushed into the room and the on-call Dr. came in. My epidural hadn’t taken pain away yet, but I was numb from my toes to mid-thigh and couldn’t move myself. The nurses flipped me around to try and relieve the stress from the baby, and they get all the credit in the world for their strength and efforts. At this point there was a test on the generator system, so everything went out for a split second- good timing. I was put on oxygen and Shaun was asked to move to the corner so they could rush around the bed easily. They put meds in my IV to slow my contractions down quickly for Gabriel’s sake, and we were told by a very kind Dr. in a gray huskers sweatshirt that if the heartbeat didn’t go up in two minutes that he would be preforming an emergency C-section to save Gabriel’s life. He watched the monitor for a few seconds and told me he was going to get scrubbed up- and that exact moment Gabriel’s heart rate rose just a little. My miracle baby seemed even more like a miracle and I couldn’t keep back a few tears of relief. Dr. Pakiz came into the room, looked at the monitor and told us our baby was safe and it was time to start pushing!

On my back again, I realized my eyes were open and I could talk between contractions for the first time- praise the Lord for epidurals!!! I was able to enjoy every moment of pushing and got to be motivated seeing Gabriel’s head and watch Shaun while he counted sooooo slowly to ten as I pushed. The doctor helped the head and one shoulder come out from my understanding, and then turned to Shaun and told him to take hold of his son under his arms and pull him out. Shaun very carefully pulled a little as I started to push one last time and the Dr. told him to pull firmly. So he did as he was told, and delivered our son safely into the world.

The most amazing moment of my life was seeing my husband be the first person to hold our son after carrying him myself for nine months, and have him place Gabriel on my chest. He smelled like me, he was perfect, and he was finally in my arms- I couldn’t bare to move my cheek from his long enough to even kiss him, just needed to hold him close and cherish the moment. This amazing love just overcame me- I loved him while I was pregnant with him, however this love was unlike any other love I have ever experienced. You learn over time to love other people, but your children rush into your heart so quickly that you feel like your body will burst because your body cannot contain it! No words can begin to explain it. Shaun cut the umbilical cord, and the nurse took Gabriel to clean him up and measure him. I told Shaun to be sure to follow the baby and the Dr. and I finished up what we needed to do. Inspection was done on the placenta, and indeed, it was shriveled and looked used up. Praise God for modern medicine and the safety it brought my son three times before his birth!

 

Gabriel was born Wednesday, February 15, 2012 at 9:48pm. He was 20 inches long, 5lbs 11.8oz with a tiny bit of blond hair and slate blue eyes. Small but healthy. Alert and already showing a sweet personality as he takes in the world around him and hardly cries at all.

 He had a hard time keeping his temperature up through the night, so he was under a heating lamp a few times in the nursery, and when the nurses brought him back to us, I was relieved to recognize him (I had an irrational fear that I wouldn’t) and they told us all the other babies would be crying and he was super content although responded well to the nurse who rocked him. The pediatrician told us the next morning that he would be monitored closely and there was a good chance that he would go to the NICU if he continued having problems, so Shaun and I did as much skin to skin time as we were able to keep his temp stabilized.

Sleeping was almost non-existent between the plastic pillow Shaun had to use which made him toss and turn, the lady in the room next to us who was constantly buzzing for the nurse, and the nurses checking on me and bringing the baby in. We were allowed to leave the hospital after spending two nights there with our healthy, temperature stabilized baby boy- and I even was treated to a free massage before leaving the hospital!

There is nothing in the world like coming home with your baby for the first time. Shaun showed him around the nursery and introduced our dogs to him while I sat in the rocking chair, feeling like the most blessed woman in the world. A new chapter of our lives had started.

The Snow Continues to Fall - written April 2013

"Snow! I don't even like the sound of it!" What is Christmas by Transiberian Orchestra

Mid April and today we had more snow. It seems that this is the winter that will never end! Having lived in Alaska for 6 years, I take a lot of flack for even mentioning that winter seems long- in my defence, I have to say that in Alaska it's expected. This is the lower '48 people! Shorter winters are part of the reason I agreed to move thousands of miles south.



It's hard to listen to people complain about day after day, however I can't help but love some of the creative humor it has caused. I will admit that the grey skies have gotten to my mood a little. Tanning beds beckon with their rays of warmth, and cause one to weigh the risk of getting cancer with being warm and getting a nice bronze going instead of this washed out look.

Huge events have been going on around the world and here in the good old USA this week. North Korea's constant threats of nuking us have become slightly more civil, however it's the Boston Marathon bombings and a fertilizer plant in Waco Texas exploding that are on our minds most. When the news of amputations and children dying are playing in our minds there are two things that immediately come to my mind: 1) Evil is a reality 2) Evil is outnumbered.

I can only hope to live up to the example set by the mother of Fred Rogers when my own children look to me for answers and perspective when horrible things happen. We hear people asking the question, how do we respond and not allow fear to grab hold of us? Cartoons have pictures of people simply turning off the news as one way to shut out fear. Staying informed without the medias constant spin and focus on the horror of these events is hard, but not impossible. It is a good idea to limit how many times you stare at the carnage and continue on with life as you are needed in the present.

Although I believe in stepping up and doing what we can, I do believe that going on with our lives is one of the best ways to move past this. Not forgetting, but continuing on. Where do we get our confidence from to do so? Personally, I get my confidence from my faith in Jesus Christ and God the Father and the presence of His Holy Spirit. When I cross myself, I am making a commitment (as well as showing reverence to my Lord) to my purpose of being here on earth. Tragic events happen in our fallen world, however I have hope, purpose to keep on keeping on, and can trust that in the end each horrific event will be placed before a great and just Judge, whether or not we handle it correctly in the hands of our own law in the present time.

I have actually found peace in watching the snow continue on. There is only so much that I can control, the weather and free will are two of the things I cannot. The world will carry on. Seasons will change in their own timing instead of ours, and I can learn to see the beauty of that. That there are limits to human control is somehow comforting. Good and evil will continue their battle until the end of the world- but eventually that day will present itself, and with it comes a victory so blindingly brilliant, that I find myself anxiously waiting for it.

In the meantime, the snow continues to fall.

2013 with a bang!

January 1, 2012
"This is the year; its all going to happen. I WILL loose 15 pounds by early March seemingly overnight, I WILL continue to watch my nutrition, I WILL not sleep in every weekend, I WILL become less selfish and I WILL not post as many pictures of my dogs- and none of this will happen necessarily because I have awesome self control, but because I WILL be a first time mother!"

January 2013
Last year I decided that with becoming a first time mom and all the weddings I was involved in, that I wouldn't make any new years resolutions. Becoming a first time mom, learning to balance family and business, I decided there were going to be enough changes happening in all areas. Looking back over the year, I feel so amazingly blessed! I truly feel like I am a better woman than I was last January.

So I decided to make just one resolution this year: Become more organized to take charge of my time. Why this specifically? Because if I can get this under control, it will effect every area of my life. Within this goal, I do not want to go back to my high school control freak tendencies, but rather be more available to my family, friends, community and ministry opportunities because I have my act together. My second goal within this goal is to take this one step at a time in improvement so that I don't burn out.

So where to begin?!! A Mountain Vacation of course!! Shaun's parents have blessed Shaun and I with the gift of using a time share they own so we can afford to travel and get a break from reality on occasion. So last year we went on a "baby moon" to Avon, Colorado. We loved it so much, but I wasn't able to participate in most activities because of entering into my third trimester with Gabriel. So here we are again! I find myself in our hotel during nap times with the time to build a plan to get this goal achieved.

Step one: make a "McAfee Family Binder" that I can add too as well as delete from as needed. I have my laptop and using word documents, advice from a friend's blog when she made her's (http://hallelujahismysong.blogspot.com/2012/03/boucher-family-binder.html). This binder will be similar to my wedding planner binder, tabs for each area, planning, ideas, goals, over all vision as well as tools to make our lives easier. I'm prioritizing my tabs and the list maker in me is super excited about the project! I'll post again in case anyone else would like to try this out!